Today it was confirmed that I am indeed pregnant. It took me almost an hour to provide a urine sample. My body has been very dehydrated due to stressors in my life. I told my boyfriend he was happy! I was surprised. I was neither happy nor sad. I just wanted for this to be over as soon as possible.
Through this experience, I realized that I am very luck to have him. He already loves this “it” that is growing inside me…I feel horrible for him. He was so happy that we created something together despite knowing we could not have it. I come from a very conservative religious minority group. I would not even be able to live with my family if I carried this baby. My boyfriend in no position to support us. He understands.
My abortion is tomorrow morning. It will be an in-clinic abortion as opposed to a pill abortion (there were none available for the rest of the year). I am relived to be getting the procedure right in the clinic rather than bleeding for 3 to 5 days on the pill induced procedure.
I realized that I am even so lucky to have access to this choice. There are places in the United States where there may be only a single abortion clinic in the entire state! The choice is even more difficult when anti-abortion media is part of the abortion consoling process! I am even so lucky to be in a country where patient confidentiality is valued, and my parents will not be told. I am so lucky to be in a place where public transportation is an option. It is a sad fact that this is not a common occurrence…
I cannot tell you that I do not believe there is life in me – I believe it is very much there, developing, and blossoming. Sometime in the future I may experience the love of motherhood.